The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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