It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
