please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
