Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I look better un-naked...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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