it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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