Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
