Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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