We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
