I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
