I think I just saw someone hide a body.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
