if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
