Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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