Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
