guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
