Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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