he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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