On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Ketchup is God's man juice
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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