America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
