I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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