This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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