i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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