I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We have started to decorate penises.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
