I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
