I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
