Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
