I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
