Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
