I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
