Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
