I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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