i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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