I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
only if we run a train.
done.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
