Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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