This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
