I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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