this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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