Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
