I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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