when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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