Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
