I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
