We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
