her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
