Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
