don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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