I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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