I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
