Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
