Umm I'm too high to move.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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