Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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