final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
