so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
