I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
