Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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