well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
