My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
