I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
