it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
